I had a lover's quarrel with the world.

hush and follow along.

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 04:27:48 GMT

okay, so I'm sure most of you probably just scroll past my entries since i hardly EVER post one anymore.

HOWEVERRR... i'm moving this bad boy over. same layout and whatnot, just a new name and a new purpose.

and i hate shameless advertising, but i figure it might be worth reading to some people.

ANYHOO,

http://twelvelastcalls.livejournal.com

add me, folks.

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 20:35:15 GMT

Holy crap, I finally have teh interwebz in mah roomz0rz.

I can sleep easy now.

Thu, 17 May 2007 20:42:07 GMT

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 23:39:08 GMT

What does an internet-deprived girl do with her newfound spare time? Fill it with work and wine. Sad... but not really. Bless my mother and her internet connection.

I really have a million things to write about and purge myself of, but I lack the time. The past few weeks have seen me on a rollercoaster of sickness, exhaustion, happiness, and heartache. Three of the four I can do without. Three of the four also being caused by the same person. But hey... I stuck my hand in the fire. What did I really expect to happen? I guess I deserve it on some level. I can't help but be so angry, hurt, resentful, and regretful. I have all these feelings and nowhere to place them properly, and the one person who can talk to me logically about them is the last person I really want to talk to right now... them being the instigator. I need more friends. Or more wine.

I'm truly tired of confusion on all levels. For once I want to meet someone who can be sure of what they want and who they are. Just so I can shake their hand. Or, at the very least, someone who can truly be honest. About everything. I'm beginning to doubt they exist.

This is indeed a very bitter, angry, pessimistic entry (hey, you called it), but that's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm doomed to being let down. The champion of disappointment. The receiving end of everyone else's failures and shortcomings. This is not a pity-party... this is an astute observation of myself and the relationships I carry on with others. Something's gotta give because I can't carry on with everyone else's bullshit. I have enough of my own.

I don't want to talk about it with anyone. In fact, I'm better off not talking. I don't want to put on a happy face and pretend it doesn't hurt like hell. I'm not going to wait around and destroy myself over you like she does. Forgiveness has come far too easy the last two times. Three is going to be a hard road. Perhaps one that's not taken at all.

You said last night you owed it to her to be a friend since she put up with you despite all the shit you did to her. I feel like I deserve someone who's not going to give me shit at all - in both a friend and significant other. What a crappy way to start a relationship or friendship... hurt them and then spend the rest of the friendship trying to make up for initial indiscretions. I'm worth more than this.

Maybe you don't see it, but I sure as hell do. So, what is it that's great about me that you haven't seen, you ask? If you even have to ask that, you'll never see it in the first place.

Friendship is not going to come easy.

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 00:17:01 GMT

Driving back home from Tim's house today, the streets in Marietta were colored with the new blossoms on the trees that border them and the warmth of spring hung heavy in the air. The whole world is coming to life, awakening from the slumber of winter. It seems like such a perfect time for new beginnings.

How apropo as a metaphor for my own life.

What a dreary winter this was for me, both weather and life-wise. Full of losses, tears, and aches. But just as the world heals itself from the turmoils of cold during springtime, so will I apparently. It took this particular winter to prove to myself that I indeed know what I'm worth and what I want (and don't want) out of life, relationships, and family. It took several instances of standing up for myself and severing ties that I knew were unhealthy and unproductive for me to know that I can indeed face this world on my own and by my own standards. It's as if I'm blooming along with the flowers around me.

What a beautiful and liberating feeling. Again, what a wonderful time for new beginnings.

The hottest corners of Hell are reserved for betrayers and mutineers.

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 22:58:54 GMT

Sometimes I feel like my life is an ever-changing Dali painting. Bizarre, surreal, and driven by complete insanity. There are times when I attempt to stand outside myself, and view my world from an outsider's perspective. I'm a fucking nutcase. And so are most of the people I surround myself with. The jury is still out on whether or not this is a good thing. The past two days have been extra surreal for me. And for one good reason: I just found out that Jonathan is now married and has a child on the way. That's fucking right - the man[boy] I was engaged to up till this past January is now married and expecting less than two months post-breakup.

I have never felt a larger slap in the face than that.

What's more upsetting than the actual joke of a marriage is the fact that I am now informed that this relationship was taking place behind my back for a long while. You figure that you're involved with someone for over four years, you'd know them. You think so, anyhow. You'd also think that human decency and compassion would prevail over deceit and heartlessness. This is only further proof that humans as a whole are vile, soulless beings who are incapable of honesty and loyalty. This is why I'm mad. Not because he's with some other poor dumb broad, but because I was lied to. For four years. I could give a shit less about him as a person at this point. Why was the relationship terminated? He was an idiot. He had not a stitch of intelligence about him at all. Okay to look at, until he opened his mouth. This only proves that theory further. This is also further reassurance that I did the best thing by getting rid of him. What a train wreck. But I'm still pissed. And since I'm sure all of you are on the edges of your seat, waiting with baited breath for me to tell you why, here it is:

It upsets me to no end that I can't trust people. I feel like if people are speaking, they're lying. Only because this has been my experience. You give someone your heart, they give you a sucker-punch in the gut. You give someone your devotion, they give you a string of lies. You bare your soul to someone, they stab you in the back. I really wish I could find a more eloquent and articulate way to say this, but the words falter and fail me. People have failed me, why should I expect words not to?

I feel like honesty and truth are simply figments of people's imagination. That people speak and preach of such ideals, yet are incapacitated by the thought of actually carrying them out and following through on practicing them. I feel like the idea of complete honesty terrifies people, not only because they're scared of knowing how others feel about them, but moreso how they feel about themselves. And more often than not, we lie to ourselves than to other people. That's the most pathetic part of it all.

In every relationship I've ever had, I've given it all I've got. In most cases, I end up feeling like John Cusack in "Say Anything" saying "I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen." [Male form, of course. Feel free to replace the pen with whatever noun applies. Book, bedspread, etc. Okay, low blow on that one.] I feel like I give and give and give, and get nothing in return. I can't even count how many times I've felt used, replaced, disposable, or cheap. Yet, I can't even recall how many times I've gone out of my way to make someone happy, money spent on purposeless gifts, and efforts to show my affections. Romance is indeed dead, replaced with thin illusions of genuine relationships that are built on how well you can get your partner to believe all your bullshit. The better you can bullshit, the better you are at these pseudo-relationships. Kudos to you.

Are honesty, loyalty, and fidelity too much to ask for? And not just within the boundaries of a romantic relationship. I'm talking in everyday life as well. Is it that impossible to own up to some fucking truth every once in a while? I feel like I'm completely defenseless in a battle where lies are ammunition.

This is obviously a war that I'm losing.

stolen from bri. MEME TIME!!

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 12:33:04 GMT

survey

1 word survey
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

Not as easy as you might think.

1. Where is your cell phone?
Nightstand

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Montgomery.

3. Your hair?
Crazy

4. Your Mother?
Nutzo.

5. Your Father?
Where?

6. Your favorite thing?
Laughing.

7. Your dream last night?
Weird.

8. Your favorite drink?
Martini.

9. Your dream car?
Delorian.

10. The room you're in?
Bright.

12. Your fears?
Heartbreak.

13. What do you want to be in 10 years?
Writer.

14. Who did you hang out with last night?
Grandma.

15. Muffins?
BLUEBERRY.

17. One of your wish list items?
Love.

18. Where you grew up?
Crap.

19. The last thing you did?
Slept.

20. What are you wearing?
Nastiness.

21. Your TV?
Cableless.

22. Your pet?
Nonexistant.

23. Your computer?
Gay.

24. Your life?
Satisfactory.

25. Your mood?
Eh.

26. Missing?
Lots.

27. What are you thinking about right now?
Unmentionable.

28. Your car?
AWESOME.

29. Your work?
Fattening.

30. Your summers?
Hot.

31. Your relationship status?
Taken.

32. Your favorite color?
Pukegreen.

33. When is the last time you laughed?
Yesterday.

34. Last time you cried?
Yesterday.

35. School?
Upcoming.

I am up way too early for this shit. Back to bedz0rz.

testing the strong ones.

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 05:21:04 GMT

Today was just one of those days. I know you know which kind I'm talking about. The ones where you wish someone would just walk up and punch you in the face so as to distract you from the vile sespool of shittiness that your day has become. No one loves me enough to jack me in the looker, though. I should actually be in the bed asleep, since I told someone I would stay there and get some rest. However, taking a three-hour snooze-fest in the evening doesn't fare well for a good night's sleep.

I would really love to be able to attribute my crappy mood and solemn demeanor to just the foul going-ons of a shitty workday. Even though the bakery felt the need to ass-rape me without lube today, I have to say that there are more factors that play into this pity party. I have a tendency to let everything that's been bothering me for a while compile and then spill out when another problem arises. (Think domino effect... or flood gates.) This was proven to be true again today.

I think too much and over-analyze things/words/actions/situations. I read too far into the small details of life. Doing so makes me often times jump to conclusions without taking a step back to assess the situation first. I often speak without thinking, take action without contemplating consequences, and fear without reason. For these reasons and being aware of them, I have consciously decided to avoid them when it comes to recent concerns. The result has been long aimless drives, an upset stomach, and a general preoccupation with said concerns. (Why are my entries so fucking cryptic at times?) At any rate, this has neither helped nor truly hurt me, but at the same time still leaves me at the starting point without gaining any headway into fixing what's bothering me. Introspection can be such a bitch and I don't want to burden other people with my... well... burdens. Then again, is there really anything that needs "fixing" or "unburdening"? Am I just being a needy bitch? (Quite possibly.) Am I just overreacting? (Most likely.) Do I need to just shut up and relax? (No shit, Sherlock.)

I should be in a good mood, really. I mean, I don't have any solid reason not to be. Daniel will be in town this weekend, and even if I don't get to spend the entirety of it with him, I still love spending whatever time I can with him. I have a job that I enjoy, good friends that I am surrounded with, and, from the looks of things, the recent dramastorms seem to be clearing. So it's time to turn that frown upside down, Charlie Brown. Fo real.

Tomorrow is, indeed, another day. I guess I'll just have to wipe the slate clean, forget about the crappiness of today, and hope for better things to come. I have no doubt that they will in their own due time.

another slow day at work, and this is the product.

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 23:39:56 GMT

I won't say the words that are pursing through my throat;
Trembling lips fearful of the reaction you'd profess,
whether shock or amusement, flattery or disgust:
these stifled words remain the same
only {bottledinside}
like contents under pressure.

I won't say... I can't-
This truth would bring my farce to its knees
leaving me at your mercy-
[A position best left for the bedroom,
where your hand over my mouth silences more than just my voice.]

I can't say... I shouldn't-
The hour being not quite right,
the lighting simply imperfect,
the mood a tad bit off.
Tomorrow. Perhaps tomorrow.
Yes, quite.

I'll intend to say... I will.
Bide a sliver more of time
(one more granule stolen from the hourglass)
in a foul attempt
at preventing my own heartbreak
brought on by premature words.

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 23:05:00 GMT

My Atlas, Dear Atlas-
don't dare fail me now, my sweet.
The pressure of my burden
destroying the tenderness of your shoulders.
All situational weightiness
-fueled by emotional prowess-
lifted myself to all new great heights,
leaving only a greater depth to fall.
Your white knuckles grip the edges of my world;
fingers' release will only bring relapse
into a putrid state of vulnerability
with a defenseless heart and nervous mind
left weaponless on the frontlines of this battlefield.
Oh Atlas, please Atlas-
hang on for dear life[love].
Your arms envelop the wreckage of a girl
and soothe the ache to reassemble
what once was in a million shards-
thought to be beyond repair.
(Irrevocably so.)
Now held together by your strength and my hope.
Lovely Atlas, precious Atlas-
hold said enemies at their guard;
kept at bay by distance and a promise,
sealed with a kiss,
and tested only by time.
Press these binding words to their meanings
and their intent be proved as such
by truthfulness of lips and loyalty of hearts
or be incinerated by betrayal and dishonesty of man.
Atlas, Atlas-
press on through your muscles' burn.
Falter not as my foundation, my refuge, my pedestal.
My own weakness made evident by your necessity in my eyes.
[suchapettygirlinastrongwarrior'sarmour]
Your absence would see my white flag of surrender soar,
crumbling my body to my knees
in a pile of humility, born of my own creation
left at your feet
for you to bury or love, break or treasure.
My Atlas, my Atlas-
See me through till story's end,
whether bittersweet or beautiful, tragic or joyful.
Or, my love, if pages be ripped out,
bear the heaviness that I can not
...or that which I am much afraid to.
Shield me from the light I fear
that will reveal my consummate truth:

I stand here bare, stripped for the world to behold.
Flesh not revealed, but a heart and a soul.

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 17:37:53 GMT

someone thinks i am beautiful.

The obligatory Valentine's Day post.

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 12:12:35 GMT

Valentine's Day has not been a 24-hour stint that I've looked forward to for many a year now. For some reason, something awful or disheartening has always occured on this day - whether it be something petty like fouled-up plans to an all-out war between myself and my significant other at the time. I simply don't look forward to this day - ever. It always seems to be a constant reminder that other people out there are content and happy. This day has usually reminded me that I usually am not.

I went to the DMV to start out with - to get get my Tennessee license changed to a Georgia one, then went to work a 10:30-6 shift at the bakery. Midway through my shift, I was offered the chance to run food at Aspens, which literally was an offer I couldn't refuse - too much damn money involved. HOWEVER, this meant that I'd most likely be there until 10:00 that evening. Even though I was out the door by 9, I was still absolutely wiped out. I got to sit there and watch all the lovely couples parade around with bouquets of flowers and candy, batting their eyes at each other while I served them lobster bisque. In between running food and clearing tables, I could only be bitter. Bitter because the one person who I'd want to spend this crappy holiday with is 200 miles away.

I know it could be worse for me. I know I could be completely alone, without any company to remind me of how shitty this day really is. I could have come home to an empty house, no phone messages, and no family to call. I could go to bed at night knowing that no one else out there is thinking of me while they fall asleep. I could have been truly alone, but instead, I just whined and complained. How pathetic.

Nevermind that I'm currently working on my fourth glass of cabernet sauvignon and that I have to retype almost every word to prevent errors, but I'm beginning to think that maybe - just maybe - that today isn't as horrible as I thought it once was. I came home to my wonderful son, phone calls from my boyfriend, and wonderful friends who had chocolate fondue prepared for dinner. I got sweet cards and candy today, and I also was reminded that people in my life care deeply about me - which is more than some people in this world can say. Maybe I just fucking whine too much.

At any rate, I'm still not fond of Valentine's Day, but maybe this is an indication of all good things to come. Glass = half full.

ZOMG MEMEZ0RZ.

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 04:03:03 GMT

Freaking memes. I must be bored.

Rules:
Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little-known facts about themselves. At the end they need to choose 10 people to be tagged and list their names. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 10 weird habits/things/little-known facts.

1.) I hate socks. If I could go without them always, I would. When I do wear them, it's a rare occasion if they match. This is done without hesitation.

2.) I am mathematically retarded. Numbers scare the hell out of me.

3.) I am obsessed with vomitous puke green colors. OBSESSED.

4.) I am in dire need of a pug. I have wanted one desperately for years.

5.) I sing anytime I'm alone. In the car, at home, wherever. And I'm not talking about humming along to the music - I fucking belt it out like I'm on American Idol. And I don't think I'm half bad. I've also never been caught doing it unawares :)

6.) I have an intense fear of medical syringes. I know that it makes no sense to be afraid of needles since I have so many tattoos, but srsly: the ones in doctor's offices scare the shit out of me. I've passed out because of them before. I'm such a wuss.

7.) I feel like I express myself more accurately, articulately, and clearly through writing. I think I sound like an idiot when I talk.

8.) I love intensely and fully, holding nothing back. Sometimes this is a good thing, some times not. I'm extremely affectionate and doting, and at times, downright sappy. I can't help it, nor do I want to.

9.) I'm stingy with money unless I'm buying things for someone else. I'd rather give gifts than get them. I spare no expense when attempting to make someone smile.

10.) Lying to me will break my heart faster than anything.

Most of the people on my friend's list have already done this thing, so I guess tagging people is pointless. I am teh suck.

Call it women's intuition, but I think I'm on to something here.

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 13:05:43 GMT

What is it that makes us worry? Or come up with generic and unoriginal anecdotes with which to begin LJ entries?

In my case, it may very well be genetic. I come from a long line of worriers. My grandmother may very well be the... well... GRAND MOTHER of all worriers. Everything from nuclear fallout to Marc getting hit by a bus worries this woman to a point that only medication can remedy. My mother has followed suit in the worrywart tradition, only in a more volatile fashion. It would seem that a bit of this has passed on to me as well. I am trying desperately to counteract this, but it gets the best of me at times. I am all too aware of this; I'm working on it. There are many many times when I wish I could fall at the opposite side of the spectrum and be a more calm sort of person. I wish I could easily talk myself down from the anxiety and nervousness that plague me sometimes. "Relax." Seriously... you're telling me. Easier said than done. At least in my case.

I consider myself to be a rational person - not too overtly logical to the point where it dulls my emotions, but still level-headed. I know when I'm being retarded. I know when my imagination is running away with itself and going too far into the "worst-case-scenarios" that I too often play out for myself. I often dwell too much on "what if's" and forget to live for the here and now. Let's face it: the present is all we really have. Yet being able to talk myself out of such an anxious mindset becomes difficult at times, if not impossible.

Why so?

I'm not sure that I can even answer that accurately. Is it just simply because I'm used to being worrysome, so therefore it's my comfort zone? Is relaxation actually uncomfortable for me? Am I deathly afraid of being hurt by lingering in a state of vulnerable passiveness? Do I think that something horrific is going to transpire if I don't worry? Or is it just simply because I have wonderful things in my life that are worth worrying about losing?

I think I attribute it mostly to a slight paranoia I hold due to past experiences. My life should be on display as the prime example for Finagle's corollary to Murphy's Law. It seems that on more than one occasion, this is how things have turned out for me. I'm am growing ever more reluctant to willingly allow this to happen without a form of resistance. So, my resistance against said heartbreaks is worry. And worry is not an active form of resistance. In fact, it's very much a passive one (and anything but fruitful). SO, not wanting to be passive and vulnerable in the first place is acted against via worry, which is, in and of itself, passive, thus making me do exactly what I didn't want to do in the first place in being passive and vulnerable. Ugh. At this point, I'm not even sure I follow myself.

I need to do something about this. Now. Simply because it's driving me nuts. Hell, it's driving other people nuts. I know in my heart of hearts that this universe and my life will no doubt unfold as it should, no matter if I worry or not. I know that the people in my life are not malicious and untrustworthy, and that people have not set out to hurt me. I know that all things have a reason and purpose, whether small or large, and that even out of turmoil, beauty can flourish. (I think this past month has proven that to me in abundance.) In essence, I need to start listening to the right parts of myself more often. I really need to set out to be more relaxed and more open to what this life has to bring me instead of fighting with it to twist it into what I think I want it to be. I need to stop worrying and just accept what comes my way more than I have. I don't know why I haven't - so many amazing things have happened to me recently and yet I still find my nerves shaking (back to Murphy's Law... shit.. there I go doing it again...).

It starts today - and I'm serious. Do I expect to be miraculously cured overnight? No. But I can stop the nagging paranoia and I can stop the prying questions and I can stop mistrusting people and I can stop trying to protect myself from calamities that will never happen. I can start relaxing and enjoying the good things in my life without a sense of anxiety. I can start accepting things as they come and deal with today instead of tomorrow. If bad things happen, I can just remind myself that my heart is still beating and that this world will not slow down because of me. I can start to love the people that are dear to me more fully and without hesitation or fear. I can smile more and be a better mother, girlfriend, friend, daughter, and sister. I can start to live my life without inhibitions. And I like that idea already.

[side note] I somehow got suckered into going to see Kansas tonight with Lisa and Jacob. WTF? Mullets, ahoy. I am too damn nice to people.

If you'll be my star, I'll be your sky.

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 04:36:39 GMT

you were near. i readied myself and steadied my hands as best i possibly could before walking to the door. you hadn't yet knocked, but i knew you would in just a few seconds. no amount of preparation seemed to quite be enough. the moment i heard the vibrations of hand meeting door come echoing down through the house, my heart jumped from my chest to my throat, preventing me from all form of breathing or clear thinking.

this would be the very first time i saw you as mine. my own. the first time our eyes would meet in a way that said we were each other's.

i was completely terrified.

i stood for a second on the other side of that door, in a shoddy attempt at projecting a calm demeanor. my hand, shaking furiously and sure to blow my facade, reached for the doorknob, gripped it in a cold sweat, turned it, and loudly pried the door from the frame. you stood there, with a warm smile and a gentle look in your eyes. all you had to say was "hello". anything else was superfluous. that image of you is forever burned into my memory.

through what could possibly be the largest smile ever smiled, i awkwardly wrapped my arms around you, not sure if i should just hold you, kiss you, or none or all of the above. as i leaned in (or pulled you close) and my cheek met the same soft curve of your neck, the familiar smell of your hair brought on flashbacks of my bare skin pressed against yours, of lips on the curves of my body, of nights spent curled against each other. this was what all those nights had boiled down to, and what was to happen now was emulated in this moment. previously separated by distance, indecision, hesitation, inhibitions, fear; now side by side in a state of innocent and genuine affection. every word spoken or touch given and received was now manifested in this first encounter. every thought and memory of the recent time passed came flooding back with an intensity that should have bowled me over. all prior rationality between right or wrong, sensibility and foolishness, melted away with the pressure of your lips against mine. this was right. you were right. i was.

of all the exotic places in the world and every other place i could possibly have been at that moment, i would never have traded spending that entire evening talking to you in that little kitchen. conversations about nothing and everything, playful dancing to the sappy music in the background, you keeping me in stitches with the things you'd joke about. you held my attention as if it were in the palm of your hand. my side ached from laughter, my cheeks hurt from smiling, and my mind remained fully engrossed with how incredibly lucky i was to be there with you.

you had never looked more beautiful.

What a wonderful world.

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 01:01:02 GMT

ZOMG I HAVE TEH INTERNETZ IN MAH ROOM!!1! 'Bout damn time.

I am having the best day ever. Period. :)

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 01:29:31 GMT

I have a thousand things to say, and only a small amount of time to say them.

So, basically, I'm not even going to try since we all know the kind of entries I post. Novellas.

Moved, not quite settled, and an ever-growing list of things to do. Thank God for wine.

On a lighter note, I went ice skating this past weekend. And didn't die or myself. I am too much awesome. Srsly.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITHOUT AIM FOR THE NEXT 5 HOURS????

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 20:15:55 GMT

D-DAY.

Taking down the computer now.

It's like severing a limb... sheesh.

Homeward bound.

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 05:25:49 GMT

I write in my LiveJournal way too much. Does anyone even read these things?? Doubt it, haha. Especially when you're super-lame like me and post twice in the same day.

I guess it's a double-post-worthy day, though. I have, as of midnight tonight, spent a year and ten days in Lebanon, Tennessee. While the fun has been sparse and work abundant, I have to honor this experience with the credit that it truly deserves. I have learned more about myself during this experience than I ever have before. I have learned that I am truly the intelligent person that everyone kept saying I am, and that I'm capable of so much more than what I originally thought. I still doubt my strength, but I'm sure I'll find that in due time. This year has seen me single, engaged, single again, sober, intoxicated, sane, crazy, and in both the deep end and shallow end of this little life of mine. Needless to say, I don't want to repeat 2006.

I'm nervous about moving back home. Only because I'm not 100% sure of what is going to happen. I know this much: it will work. I will be great. It still unnerves me to be in the dark about the particulars of my life in Atlanta. I know that I have a wonderful, albeit insane, family who loves me more than I can understand. I have a son whose intelligence and heart amaze me to no end every single day. I have an opportunity looking me in the face that is not one to be turned down. (I take that back - I have several.) I have amazing friends, even if they are few in numbers. I have a life that is to be envied, even if not by many, but by some - and that's good enough for me.

I have come to learn over this past year that I am worth far more than I have ever given myself credit for. I give myself so freely to others and I pride myself on my generosity, even at the risk of being a doormat. I have also learned to look past my own harsh exterior and see the soft, warm heart that lies inside - one that has been ignored and camoflauged for far too long. I have finally talked myself into not settling for anything - to drive myself to reach for what I deserve out of this life. My journey thus far has been noteworthy, if not incredible. I need to appreciate that more.

I have learned that I need to nurture my talents. Especially ones that have long been overlooked. I have found that there is a certain warm satisfaction that comes with accomplishing a task, especially when said task is daunting. I have proved to myself over this past year that I really can accomplish and create whatever I want in my life, no matter what the barriers and obstacles. The main obstacle that laid in my way this past year was... well... myself. And I beat that bitch back down and showed her who's boss.

I'm not completely repaired. I still struggle with myself and loving who I am. The majority of these insecurities and inhibitions are physical, but that will come along in time. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I feel like through heartbreak, my heart has healed itself with closure that it was long-lacking. I feel like through turmoil, I have come to love and cherish the happy times in my life. They are, indeed, the memories that will stand out the most.

I have met many people along the way, but only a few have affected me to a point that is life-altering. For these people, I am eternally grateful and cannot think of a proper way to show my gratitude. Just know that you are so very loved.

Tomorrow is the start of something most beautiful. I truly cannot wait.

Be kind to me or treat me mean; I'll make the most of it. I'm an extraordinary machine.

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 16:19:38 GMT

I find it awkward and a little unsettling to know that I have less than 24 hours left in Tennessee. After looking forward to this day for almost 3 weeks, I thought my feelings toward it would be a little more... happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about going home and being around everyone I love, but it's the actual act of moving that is getting to me. I've been in a down kind of mood since Monday, when the packing bonanza really kicked off. There's something depressing about shoving your entire tangible existence into brown cardboard boxes. Mainly because it allows me to see what little I really have. And after all the driving I've been doing lately, I'm ecstatic that this will be the last time I'll have to make that horribly boring trek back to Atlanta. My car will probably thank me.

Once I get to my destination, the fun is only just beginning. Friday sees me sitting in a Kindergarten class with Marc to get him acclimated to his new school. Saturday sees me moving everything into Lisa's house... all-day affair, baby. Sunday and Monday are job interviews. Tuesday I get to brave the Cobb County DMV. Wednesday is more job interviews. By Thursday, I'm going to want to punch babies. And just because I don't have anything on the calendar past Wednesday doesn't mean that I'll be done. Something tells me that I'm going to be busy as hell for the next two weeks. Oh, if you could only see the joy on my face right now.

Aside from the chaos that is sure to ensue within the coming weeks, I'm looking forward to just being home. That in and of itself is worth all the work and chaos in the world.

someone make me shut up.

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 22:21:15 GMT

I just noticed my calendar. It just now dawned on me that I'm moving in a week. I mean, it's not as if I was completely unaware that I was going anywhere and that -BAM!- this epiphany just bitch-slapped me. It just snuck up on me rather quickly.

I have to make an earlier-than-expected trip to the GA to observe a Kindergarten class and decide whether Marc is ready to be bumped up a grade or not. The teachers he has now suggest it - I'm just paranoid. I also have to meet with the hiring manager for Theo's (IF another job prospect doesn't pan out - Tally, seriously, DO IT :))

Nothing is packed. Okay, I lied. I have the vast majority of my clothes packed up because - and let's face it - I only wear 3% (at best) of what I have. Comfort over fashion, people. That's how I roll. Other than the department store worth of unused clothing, I have... well.. stuff. No furniture, really - just random shit. For example, neon beer lights (OMG REDNECK - YES), a hundred lamps (I like to be able to see), boatloads of books (i read good), children's toys, and wall decor. Maybe a nightstand or two... other than that, the entirety of my existence will be shoved in a mini-UHaul and trucked to Georgia, most likely with room to spare.

I'm starting to get the nervous, butterfly-esque feeling in my stomach when I think about it. I'd be a complete liar if I said I wasn't totally stoked about being back home. I'm excited about the job options that I have so far, and if you people out there in LiveJournal-land keep your fingers and toes crossed for me, I'll get one that will best suit me and my living situation. I have no doubt that I'm making a damn good decision for myself and Marc, and I'm confident that everything will be A-OK, I'm just... well... giddy. In a girly, cutesy, annoying kind of way.

A girl: One year in the making.

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 03:37:43 GMT

Happy Anniversary, Lebanon. I've been here with you for an entire year as of today. This neither makes me excited, nor inclined to buy you anything. You may make me sleep on the couch and withhold sex from me for a while, but it's totally worth it. You'll get over it.

While this place is nothing short of a black hole, sucking the life and intelligence out of anyone and anything here, I can't say that it's been all bad. I've learned a lot since I've been here. About myself, about my family, about life in general. I don't know that I could have learned these lessons otherwise. The fact is that I didn't come here to have fun. I didn't come here to make friends, or party, or relax. I came here to fix something that was broken - myself. A year ago, I was in bad shape. But I digress...

Between the hideous landscape and people that match it, Lebanon, Tennessee isn't anything to rave about. In fact, this is the last place on Earth that I would ever dream of purposely living. There's nothing here - yet, in the midst of all this nothing, I found everything I had lost along my way. I revived a part of me that had been long dulled and drowned out. I found my drive, my passion, and my heart. That's a whole lot of something that came from nothing.

I suppose, in a way, this whole experience was my "time-out" from a life that was killing me. It came at a perfect time and in perfect form. Without this, I don't think I would be the same person. I like who I am - and for that, I am ever so grateful. I have tackled some of the hardest issues within myself over the last 365 days, and in doing so, have gained an entirely new perspective on myself. I am far stronger than I ever knew. I am proud of this and what I have done since coming here.

So, I guess, in the end, you're not so bad, Lebanon. You need some sprucing up, and a fucking Starbucks (and A TARGET), but I guess I can't hold a whole lot of animosity towards you. After all, without you, where would I be?

this ain't a scene, it's a... no... wait... yeah, this is a scene.

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 04:45:39 GMT

I find it extremely difficult to feel sorry for someone who already feels so sorry for themselves. Wait, let me rephrase: I feel sorry for individuals who see themselves as pathetic, yet do little to nothing to better their situation and would rather wallow in the mire of their own self-deprication. Am I wrong for feeling like this? If I am, I can't say that I really care. And maybe that, in and of itself, perpetuates the cycle. And this is me, still not caring.

It makes me sad (albeit completely vindicated) that every suspicion I ever had about this break-up has come true. I feel like a complete fool for ever believing that anything could have ever changed during the course of that sham of a relationship. I was pulling the wool over my own eyes in thinking that a person would or could change just if I willed it so. People don't grow up unless they want to, and he apparently did not want to. I'm not bitter - just disappointed. Not disappointed about the failure of the relationship, but about how you carried yourself afterwards. In two weeks, how is it that you backslid completely? How is it that you just completely "let yourself go" (for lack of a better or more colorful phrase)? It saddens me to know that I was your support, your prop for stability, simply because I feel like an idiot for falling for someone who couldn't even hold their own.

Do I think you're a horrible person? Absolutely not... not by any means. I think you were the wrong person for me and I'm a little irritated by the fact that it took me so long to see it. But I'm irritated with myself. I wasted my time and your time. Well, I guess it wasn't wasted... I definitely learned valuable lessons from this experience that I'll carry with me for the rest of my life, and I'm sure you will, too. I'm not upset, nor do I regret it. But I do wish that you'd grow from it, instead of destroy yourself over it. Life is far too short for something like that. Take this and turn it into something beautiful.

Either way, I'm going to come off as the bad guy in this situation. I've already come to terms with that. I'll live.

all hail the heartbreaker.

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 06:39:48 GMT

So, here I sit, at 15 past midnight, feeling the need to post something, but not sure what. (P.S.: I'm elbow deep in my bottle of wine, so if there's unintelligible grammatical errors, feel free to make fun of me.) The only thing I can think of worth posting is the epilogue to my recently called-off engagement.

In short: best thing I ever did for myself.

I try every day to feel bad for telling Jonathan that I can't and won't marry him, nor continue our relationship. However, I can't. Perhaps it is because I know deep down that this should have been done a long time ago. Or maybe because he's proven every suspicion I ever had about him to be true by going back to drugs almost immediately. Or maybe it's because I know something amazingly better is out there for me. Either way, I feel like I finally have closure to this sordid, on-again, off-again relationship that has plagued me for the past 5 years. This is really it - and that makes me feel relieved. Like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders. So that leaves me wondering: was I really afraid of being without Jonathan, or just without someone physically here? Methinks it was the latter. I feel guilty for not missing him, but I can't force myself to, and I won't. It's over, all ties are severed, and I feel good about it.

The move back to Atlanta both frightens and excites me. Frightening because I don't know 100% what's going to happen, and exciting because it's something I've longed for over the past year. It feels like a new page is turning for me, which is something I've desperately craved for so long, only I've been too afraid to go for it. This will be the most educating experience I'll ever have, I do believe. I look back over the last 4 years and the roads I've taken meander and twist like nothing I've ever witnessed. My whole process of coming into my own has been the longest and most arduous journey I can imagine, but worth every mile. I believe this experience will be the most daunting, yet most rewarding. I really believe I'm ready.

I have an amazing family, beautiful friends, and a hell of a lot of drive and motivation. I have all I need.

moonlight through the pines...

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 03:55:42 GMT

I have never known another home besides my Georgia. I never appreciated her when I was there, but having spent a year outside her lines, I have come to find a love of who I am and where I came from in this world. My only regret is not finding that love sooner than I did.

I remember the first time in downtown Atlanta. Somehow, I had been sorely repressed for the first 18 years of my life and never went to experience the city that I grew up next to. It was always presented as a place of chaos and something to be avoided. (Something about bad traffic... I don't know.) I doubt I will ever forget the way the lights of the towering buildings reflected off the car windshield, creating this panoramic display of yellow orbs specked across the black night backdrop, like gigantic stationary fireflies. I became unnervingly aware of my size, to the point where even thinking about being on the top floors made my stomach twist around itsself. The renowned buildings I grew up hearing about suddenly changed from figments of my imagination to tangible entities right in front of my eyes, leaving me with this sweet sense of wonder. Naturally, I tried to hide my overwhelming excitement. How stupid of me to live beside something as beautiful and immense as this, yet never take notice.

I instantly tried to force myself to be an informational sponge to anything I came into contact with. Street names, restaurants, night clubs, office buildings, historical markers; I wanted to know anything and everything there was to know about this place I had passively called home all my life. We parked the car, and set out on our expedition. The cool October air wrapped itself around me like a humid blanket, and the sounds of the city became the beat to which I walked her streets. Directionless, yet oh so motivated to just... see. To feel what this city was supposed to mean to me. The miles I walked inside her left permanent marks on me, which I will gladly wear to the end of my days.

The hours melted away as I immersed myself in those Atlanta streets, not knowing where I was headed, but simply following wherever she led me. I wandered until the firefly lights of her heart had dimmed, and she lay blanketed by a cover of starlight and the sky looked like a mirror image of her. The southern breeze became ever much cooler, yet warmed me to my core. I stood in her center, this urban cast-away, and became completely absorbed and captivated by that city.

I carry her with me wherever I go. The curves of her skyline waving to me from the distance is this permanent "Welcome Home" banner, ready and waiting for my assured return. There is a comfort that comes from knowing that no matter where you are, there is someone or something waiting unfailingly should the rest of this world let you down. I lose myself and find that comfort in those lights that opened my eyes and took my breath away years ago. A hint of that feeling has never left me, nor do I want it to. I find my peace in knowing that if there is a North Avenue, there is a way to find your path back home.